Has your child ever burst into tears after losing a board game? Or refused to play again because they came in last? If so, you are not alone. Almost every parent has been through this moment as losing is hard and for children, it can feel like the end of the world. But here is what most parents do not realise: learning to lose well is one of the most important skills a child can develop.
A review of 25 studies, published in the journal Current Psychiatry Reports, found that children who build resilience early have significantly fewer mental health struggles as they grow up. So, the way your child handles a small loss today is actually practise for how they will handle bigger setbacks later in life — a failed exam, a job they did not get, a relationship that did not work out.
In this article, you will find simple, clear tips to help your child deal with losing in a healthy and positive way. These are easy to use at home, whether after a board game, a school competition, or a sports match. And every tip is backed by real research — because as a parent, you deserve advice that actually works.
Why Teaching Children to Handle Losing Actually Matters
Many parents instinctively try to protect their children from losing because no one likes to see their child upset. But shielding children from losing does them a disservice. Associate Professor Katie C. Hart from Florida International University puts it clearly: “By not practising losing, you are setting your child up for bigger failure down the road.”
Think about it this way. Your child will face rejection, disappointment, and failure throughout their life. The football pitch, the board game table, and the school sports day are safe places to practise those feelings — with you right beside them. When children learn to handle losing well, they build skills that go far beyond sport. For example, they learn to stay calm when things do not go their way, to try again instead of giving up, to feel proud of their effort rather than just the result, and to be kind to others even when things are tough.
Child psychologist Amanda Gummer explains it this way: when children experience what it feels like to succeed, and equally how it feels to fall short, they learn to manage both emotions successfully in other parts of life. Moreover, losing teaches humility — so that when children do win, they can celebrate without putting others down.
So, the next time your child loses a game and falls apart, try not to see it as a problem to fix. Instead, see it as one of the most valuable teachable moments you will ever get.
Why Do Some Children Struggle More With Losing?
Before we get into what to do, it helps to understand why some children take losing so hard. Not every child is a “sore loser” by nature. In most cases, a big reaction to losing is a sign of something deeper going on.
Children may struggle more with losing when a lot of importance is placed on winning at home, when mistakes are treated as shameful rather than normal, or when children do not feel safe enough to show difficult emotions. Furthermore, young children simply do not yet have the brain development needed to manage big emotions calmly.
Research on emotional regulation shows that the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and calm decision-making — the prefrontal cortex — is not fully developed until a person’s mid-twenties. So, when your 7-year-old cries after losing a game of Uno, they are not being dramatic. They are being a 7-year-old. Understanding this helps parents respond with patience rather than frustration.
10 Research-Backed Ways to Help Children Handle Losing Positively
1. Set Expectations Before the Game Starts
One of the easiest things you can do, which costs nothing and takes less than a minute, is to simply remind your child that, before the game begins, in every game, someone wins and someone loses, and both are completely fine.
You can say something like: “We are going to play now. One of us will win and one of us will not. Either way, let us have fun and try our best.” This small step works because it means the loss does not come as a surprise. When children already know that losing is a possibility before the game begins, research shows they are much less likely to react with anger or tears when it actually happens.
It is also worth resisting the urge to always let your child win. It might feel kind in the moment, but it is not helpful in the long run. As Professor Hart points out, children need real experience with losing in safe, low-stakes situations at home, so that when they face it in the wider world, they already know they can handle it.
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings
When your child loses and gets upset, your first instinct might be to tell them to stop crying or to remind them it is just a game. But this approach can do more harm than good. A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that between 15% and 20% of children and adolescents experience anxiety disorders, and one of the key risk factors is poor emotional regulation — the inability to manage big feelings. When we dismiss a child’s emotions, we do not make the feelings go away. We just teach them to hide them.
So, instead of saying “Stop crying” or “You are being a sore loser,” try acknowledging what they feel first. You can say: “I can see you are really upset right now. Losing is hard, isn’t it? I feel the same way sometimes too.” These simple words tell your child that their feelings are normal, valid, and safe to express. And once a child feels heard, they calm down much faster. They also become much more open to what you want to teach them next.
3. Give Them Simple Tools to Calm Down
Children need practical tools to handle strong emotions, not just reassurance. So, it helps to teach a few simple coping strategies that your child can use in the moment. For example, taking three slow, deep breaths works remarkably well for most children. So does walking away for a few minutes to cool down, drinking a glass of water, doing some jumping jacks, or drawing how they feel on a piece of paper.
The key is to practise these strategies at home during calm, relaxed times — not just in the middle of a meltdown. That way, when your child is upset after a loss, the strategy already feels familiar. Over time, they will start to use these tools on their own without being prompted. You can even make a “calm-down list” together and stick it on the fridge — let your child choose what goes on it. When children feel ownership over their coping tools, they are much more likely to actually use them.
4. Model Good Sportsmanship Yourself
Children learn far more from what they see than from what they are told. So, your behaviour in moments of loss matters. How do you react when your favourite sports team loses? Do you shout at the TV, blame the referee, or sulk for the rest of the evening? Or do you take a breath, say “tough game,” and move on?
Therapist Brya Hanan describes this clearly: if a child sees their parent take a deep breath after a loss and accept the result calmly, the child is far more likely to adopt that same healthy response over time. The opposite is also true. If a parent reacts with anger or blame, the child will copy that too.
So, try to model good sportsmanship at every opportunity. When you lose a game to your child, say out loud: “Well done, you played really well. I will try harder next time.” When you make a mistake in daily life, let your child see how you handle it calmly. These small moments are where character is built in your child, and in you.
5. Praise Effort Not Just Results
One of the most powerful shifts you can make as a parent is to stop asking “Did you win?” and start asking “Did you try your best?” This is not just a feel-good idea. It is backed by some of the most widely cited research in child psychology.
In a landmark study by psychologists Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1998, fifth-grade children were given a task and then praised in one of two ways — either for their intelligence (“You are so smart”) or for their effort (“You worked really hard”). The results were striking. Children who were praised for effort showed far greater persistence when the task got harder, enjoyed it more, and performed better overall. Children praised for being smart, on the other hand, were more likely to give up, enjoy the task less, and perform worse when things got difficult.
A follow-up study by Elizabeth Gunderson and colleagues found that parents who used effort-based praise with their toddlers — as young as one to three years old — had children who showed stronger motivation and a healthier attitude toward challenges five years later. So, the earlier you start, the better.
In practice, this means replacing “You were the best one there” with “I am so proud of how hard you tried today.” It means asking after a loss: “What did you enjoy about the game?” and “What is one thing you would like to work on for next time?” These questions shift the focus from the
6. Help Them Build a Growth Mindset
A research by Professor Carol Dweck of Stanford University. Her research shows that children who believe their abilities can improve through effort and practice are more resilient, more motivated, and more likely to succeed over time. In contrast, children who believe their abilities are fixed — that they are simply “good” or “bad” at something — give up more easily and are hit much harder by failure.
According to Dweck, roughly 40% of children hold a fixed mindset about their abilities, while another 40% hold a growth mindset. The remaining 20% sit somewhere in between. The good news is that a growth mindset can be taught and it starts with the small things you say every day. The most powerful word, Dweck says, is “yet.” Instead of “I can not do this,” teach your child to say “I can not do this yet.” That one word changes a statement of failure into a statement of potential.
You can also share stories of people your child admires who failed before they succeeded. Games like chess are a great example and if you want to get your child started, read our guide on how to teach chess to kids. Losing in chess is not failure. It is simply your brain learning a new move
7. Teach Them What Good Sportsmanship Looks Like
Good sportsmanship does not come naturally to most children. Therefore, it needs to be taught and practised just like any other skill. The Positive Coaching Alliance, a non-profit organisation founded at Stanford University, teaches children using what it calls the ELM model: Effort, Learning, and Mistakes are OK. Research from their programmes shows that when children are taught to focus on effort and learning rather than winning, they not only handle defeat better but also enjoy the sport or activity far more.
Some simple acts of good sportsmanship to teach your child include shaking hands or saying “good game” at the end regardless of the result and congratulating the winner and meaning it, not making excuses or blaming others, cheering on teammates when things go wrong, and not bragging when they win. Winning with kindness matters just as much as losing with grace.
One of the best ways to teach this is through role-play at home. Act out different scenarios for example, what does it look like to shake someone’s hand after losing? What does it feel like to say “well done” to someone who beat you? Make it fun, and your child will be far more likely to remember it when the real moment comes. As clinical psychologist John Mayer explains: “Kids do not do this spontaneously. It takes an adult to model and insist on this behaviour.”
8. Help Them Focus on What They Can Control
One important thing to teach your child is the difference between what they can control and what they cannot. In a game like Snakes and Ladders or a lucky draw, the result is mostly down to chance. No amount of effort will change the outcome. But in sport, chess, or a spelling competition, practice and strategy genuinely make a difference over time. Helping your child understand this distinction is very powerful.
It applies to real life too. They cannot control whether another child is naturally faster at running but they can control how much they train. They cannot control the exact questions on an exam but they can control how well they prepare. So, whenever your child is upset about a loss, gently guide the conversation toward what is in their hands. As a result, they feel more capable and less helpless which is exactly what resilience looks like in practice.
9. Build Their Self-Esteem Away From the Game
Children who have strong self-esteem handle losing much better. So, one of the most important things you can do as a parent actually happens away from the game entirely. Research published in Pediatric Research by Nature Publishing Group found that resilience at the family level which includes warm relationships, healthy communication, and supportive parenting is one of the strongest predictors of positive emotional and behavioural outcomes in children. In other words, how loved and safe your child feels at home has a direct effect on how well they handle setbacks in the outside world.
So, make it clear again and again that your love and pride are not tied to winning. Say things like: “I am proud of you no matter what the score is,” “I love watching you play,” and “The way you treated the other players today made me really proud.” These words build something that no trophy ever can: a child who knows their worth comes from who they are not from what they win.
10. Be There Regardless of the Outcome
One of the simplest and most powerful things a parent can do is show up and stay present win or lose. The Novak Djokovic Foundation, which works closely with child development researchers and psychologists, emphasises that being present for your child after a loss is just as important as celebrating a win together. In fact, it is often in the difficult moments, the losses, the tears, the quiet car ride home that children remember most clearly how their parent responded.
After a game or competition, try to give your child a hug before jumping into advice. Let them feel their emotions for a few minutes. Then ask open questions: “How did that feel?” or “What did you enjoy about the game, even though the result was tough?” Resist the urge to say “I told you so” or to break down every mistake right away. Child psychotherapist Martina Hedji Kiric advises parents to actively listen when a child wants to talk about a loss because this builds the kind of close, trusting relationship that children need to take emotional risks and keep trying, even when things are hard.
Final Thoughts: You Are Teaching More Than a Game
Helping your child handle losing is not just about good manners or sportsmanship. It is about preparing them for real life. Every time your child loses and you respond with empathy, calm, and the right words, you are doing something remarkable. You are teaching them that failure is not the end. You are showing them that their worth is not tied to a result. And you are giving them the emotional tools to bounce back stronger, kinder, and more resilient than before.
Research backs this up again and again. Children who develop resilience and emotional regulation skills early go on to be healthier, happier, and more successful adults. And most of that foundation is built at home with you. So, the next time your child loses a game and the tears start to come, take a breath. You have got this moment. And with the right words and a steady, loving hand, so do they.
